Regulation Before Expectations

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the phrase “regulation before expectations.”

It’s something I find myself coming back to again and again—both professionally and personally—especially this time of year when many of our kiddos are just done.

The school year is wrapping up, routines are starting to shift, the weather is changing, classrooms are louder, excitement is building, and honestly? Everyone is a little more dysregulated than usual.

And yet, as adults, we sometimes continue to place expectations on children whose nervous systems are already overwhelmed.

We ask them to sit. Listen. Transition. Communicate calmly. Complete tasks. Tolerate noise. Manage frustration. Socialize appropriately. Learn new skills.

But if a child is overwhelmed, overstimulated, anxious, exhausted, or struggling to process the world around them, those expectations can suddenly become mountains.

That’s why regulation matters first.

One of the things I’ve really come to appreciate is the collaboration between Occupational Therapists and Behaviour Analysts. While our approaches may look different at times, the goal is often the same: helping children access their environment successfully and meaningfully.

OTs bring such valuable insight into sensory processing, body awareness, motor planning, and nervoussystem regulation. And when we understand what a child’s body is experiencing, it changes how we approach behaviour altogether.

Sometimes a child isn’t refusing because they “don’t want to.”
Sometimes they physically cannot access the expectation being placed on them in that moment.

And that shift in perspective matters.

Because when kids are regulated, learning becomes possible. Communication becomes easier. Flexibility increases. Social interactions improve. Even small daily tasks can feel more manageable.

That doesn’t mean we remove every expectation or avoid teaching hard things. Of course not. Part of growth is learning to tolerate challenges and develop new skills. But there’s a difference between supporting a child through a manageable challenge and expecting success from a child whose nervous system is already in survival mode.

Sometimes the most productive thing we can do is pause. Add movement. Reduce demands. Offer sensory input. Co-regulate. Connect first.

And honestly, I think many parents instinctively know this already.

You know when your child is running on fumes. You know when the meltdown isn’t really about the blue cup or the wrong snack or having to leave the park. You know when their system is simply overloaded.

There is so much value in remembering that behaviour does not happen in isolation. There is always something underneath it.